Do you have a parent? Most of us have at least one and some have two. You can have more than two but that's usually bad news and involves a lot of "uncles" who smile a lot and take mummy upstairs to look at the bedroom ceiling for hours on end.  I'm a parent and it's a tough job I can assure you.  The strange thing about becoming a parent is that there's no practice.  It's weird for us Dads. One minute your standing in a hospital thanking god you didn't decide to be a doctor and wondering if all this will be over before the pubs shut and the next you've become a father.

 

 

No practise, I think it should be like learning to drive; you borrow a baby and go out with an expert for an hour or two.  There's an exam and if you fail you aren't allowed to be a parent.  It's expensive and, if you misbehave, you can loose your baby licence.  Tough but fair.  You see the only thing I'd ever been responsible for, before the baby that is, was a goldfish and well, to be honest, looking after the baby was a bit of a leap.  I wasn't ready for it.  All the goldfish needed was a bowl, some water, and every now and again I'd sprinkle some ant eggs on the water.  We got on well. He respected my privacy, did his best not wail over the telly and was made up when I popped a little ruined castle into his bowl at Christmas.

 

The baby wasn't like that at all.  I tried the ant eggs and water treatment but it just wasn't happy and you're not supposed to do that with babies apparently.  At least that's what the Social Worker said.  The problem with babies is they make a hell of a din when they want something but they don't tell you what it is.  That's really tricky, I know they can't speak and it's not there fault but you'd think that they'd at least attempt a short mime.  Life would be so much easier, as it is you have to guess what they want and most evenings end up with you knackered, disorientated and covered in puke.  Very much like my bachelor days.

Then, just when you think you understand them they grow, and change all the rules. 

 

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